Momma Bod

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve made it clear that being a mom is hard. Hard on your heart, hard on your sanity, sometimes it’s hard on your marriage. But that isn’t what I’m going to address today. Today is about something that we ALL struggle with. Our stinking bodies.

Rather than bore you with details of my transformation from pre- to post-baby body, I’ll give you the highlights. I’m not showing you any pictures. Not on your life, folks. : )

• Let’s talk stretch marks. I’d heard the term before I had kids. I’d even read some of those stupid poems online about how women love their stretch marks because it’s a beautiful reminder of their baby’s growth or something and I thought I could be that woman. But I’m not. My stomach and sides look like rabid wolves attacked me. I’m not loving it.

• Speaking of stomachs, what’s up with that? I feel like someone should have told me that all of my abdominal muscles would vanish after having kids. When Landon and I started doing P90X when Adaleine was about 18 months old, I was trying to do the Core Synergistics workout (I hate Tony Horton) and I literally could not sit up at the beginning. Landon thought I was kidding until I yelled something at him like, “I’ve had two little humans stretch my stomach out so much that I’m like Gumby!” Then he shut up. : )

• I’m not going to talk in detail about what babies and breastfeeding does to your boobs. Suffice it to say you’ve been warned.

• If you have your babies by c-section or as my sister says “the way God intended” you will generally retain bladder control. If you have babies the way that makes you worry about pooping on the doctor, you’re gonna want to invest in some Depends. I’ve had three babies the screaming/poop-worrying way and when I gotta go, I gotta go. Other problem situations are funny friends (I’m talking to you, Kassy Marsh!), multiple sneeze attacks, any kind of coughing fit, and construction on the interstate. A good rule of thumb is go early, go often.

• Another bonus that is a bit more specific to me is a little skin discoloration. You’ve heard of pregnancy mask, right? Where you sometimes get skin discoloration around your mouth while you’re pregnant? Well, the upside of that is that it usually fades within a couple months of having your munchkin. The fun part of my particular case is that it didn’t go away. Bummer, huh? So I have some dark spots above my upper lip that make it look like I have an Errol Flynn mustache. Mr. Bug says no one notices but me, but I’m not buying it. (If you read this and see me afterward, please don’t just look at my lip. Tell me you want to see my ‘stache and I’ll feel a lot less self-conscious) : )

And there you have it. All that you have to look forward to. Men, please do not expect your wives to be an exception to any of these rules. She will have tiger gashes, she will not be able to do sit-ups for a while, she will occasionally pee her pants a little bit and she may end up rocking a ‘stache. Women, these things will probably ending up affecting you in some way, with the possible exception of the Flynn facial hair look-alike.

It’s not all bad though. I may not love those stretch marks, but if subtracting them from my body means that I don’t have my babies—no dice. And who really needs to do sit-ups anyway? I can roll onto my side to help heave myself out of bed at 3:00 in the morning when a little one starts to cry. And really the bladder control is hardly even an issue. Judah won’t be potty-trained for a while so I’ll have diapers on hand. Even the mustache effect isn’t too big a deal. ‘Stache parties are all the rage right now. Maybe for my 30^th birthday? : )