The Songs I'm Singing: Need You Now

I've written about music before (here and here) and the impact it has on my heart. I think that's a very human thing--to be moved by beautiful music. This one is speaking to me very deeply right now and I thought I'd share. 

Here's the link to the song. Take a listen.

  
We live our lives in seasons. Some seasons are for rejoicing, and some are for mourning. Some we feel like we sail through on a cloud. Then there are those seasons where the only way we get to the other side is to crawl through on our hands and knees.

 
"I want to believe there's beauty here." Even in the darkest of times, we have Someone with us. Even Jesus in the garden asked that the cup be taken from him (Mt 26:39.) We don't have to want the suffering, but we can trust that God can do beautiful things with our broken pieces.

Isaiah 61:3 (NKJV)

“To console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”

The term ‘beauty for ashes’ isn’t talking about just replacing something that’s been burned. I thought that for a long time. What it’s referring to is replacing the ashes of mourning with a ‘garland’ or beauty. That thought is a balm to me. That means instead of mourning and weeping for what was, God can adorn us with a new beauty only He can create!
 
"How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?" During the darkest times, I just need to get through one moment at a time. I don't need to finish the marathon. I need to take one more step, and that step is all I can manage.

Psalm 18:32 (NIV)

“It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.”
 
Last one. "Standing on a road I didn't plan. Wondering how I got to where I am." I don't think any of us aim for those dark times. Sometimes we're not even there because of us. Sometimes we've been dragged there by someone else's choices. The long and the short of it is that there is darkness in this world. There is an evil one (whether you believe he's real or not doesn't matter), and he'd like nothing more than for us to drag one another down to the blackest holes there are.

John 10:10 (NIV)

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
 
Standing on that road and bleeding. Wondering where the strength for that next breath is coming from. Wanting to believe that our Creator can bring beauty and light out of something dark and ugly.
 
There really is beauty here. We may have to dig for it. But I'll dig until my fingers bleed to find His purpose for this and He can help clean us up on the other side.
 

The Things We're Handing Down

Some good friends of ours just had their first baby, a beautiful little boy. I was thinking about that little guy tonight and it got me thinking of this song. However, after listening to it a couple times I was no longer thinking about their little miracle; I was thinking of the three little miracles I had just tucked into bed.

The song, “The Things We’ve Handed Down” by Marc Cohn, is—in a word—heart-breaking. But in a good way. It sums up all that you think of when you’re expecting a baby whether it’s your first or fifth. Read the lyrics and listen to the song. It’s beautiful.

The Things We've Handed Down

Don't know much about you
Don't know who you are
We've been doing fine without you
But, we could only go so far
Don't know why you chose us
Were you watching from above
Is there someone there that knows us
Said we'd give you all our love

Will you laugh just like your mother
Will you sigh like your old man
Will some things skip a generation
Like I've heard they often can
Are you a poet or a dancer
A devil or a clown
Or a strange new combination of
The things we've handed down

I wonder who you'll look like
Will your hair fall down and curl
Will you be a mama's boy
Or daddy's little girl
Will you be a sad reminder
Of what's been lost along the way
Maybe you can help me find her
In the things you do and say

And these things that we have given you
They are not so easily found
But you can thank us later
For the things we've handed down

You may not always be so grateful
For the way that you were made
Some feature of your father's
That you'd gladly sell or trade
And one day you may look at us
And say that you were cursed
But over time that line has been
Extremely well rehearsed
By our fathers, and their fathers
In some old and distant town
From places no one here remembers
Come the things we've handed down

There are so many times as a parent when I’m terrified of what I’m teaching my kids. I am terrified of what I’m not teaching my kids. I’m terrified of all the crap that I’m handing down to them that they will have to carry and deal with all their lives.

 

But it’s so much better than that. I get to hand so much more down to them than bad habits and a short fuse. Like the song says, maybe one of them will have my laugh. Maybe they’ll have my sense of humor or my goofy dance moves. I pray that they’ll have my wonderful husband’s willingness to work hard and his tenderness. And thank God they all have his gorgeous dimples : )

I am already seeing my passion for words in Eden’s love for reading. Sissy is a jokester like her middle-child mama, and I see so much laughter in her. Judah takes care of his sisters and mommy just like his daddyis teaching him. We are there in those little things.

I know I will give my kids things that I wish I didn’t. I know that they’ll remember me losing patience and snapping at them. BUT. I’m hoping and praying that those memories will be small and harmless in the thoughts of snuggles and stories and laughter. 

I Don't Love You but I Always Will

This post is going to sound like a complete downer, but I’m not writing it depressed or anything. Just thoughtful. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about faithfulness and fidelity. I guess I’ve been thinking about marriage in general, and all that goes along with it. There have been a number of situations and experiences that have prompted these thoughts—movies, songs, personal conversation—but the long and the short of it is that it’s on my mind.

I caught the movie Love Actually on television a week or two ago and was really affected by the story of Karen (Emma Thompson) and her husband Harry (Alan Rickman). Toward the end of the movie she realizes that he might be cheating and there’s a very painful scene where she excuses herself from their family Christmas gift exchange and goes into their bedroom and cries. It’s a short scene and she’s quiet about it, but it hurt me to watch it. Shortly after, there’s a scene with the two of them at their children’s Christmas program. The conversation goes like this:

Karen: Tell me, if you were in my position what would you do?
Harry: What position is that?
Karen: Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace and come Christmas gave it to somebody else...
Harry: Oh, Karen...
Karen: Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace, or if it's sex and a necklace, or if worst of all it's a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?
Harry: Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. The classic fool.
Karen: [voice breaking] Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me, and you've made the life I lead foolish too.

See, that’s the thing. It’s not just about him cheating on his wife. It’s about everything that happens afterward. All of us ‘strong, independent’ women like to say that if our husbands cheated on us we’d just ‘divorce the bastard’ and leave him in the dust. We’d go on to lead a very fulfilled and happy life without that cheating piece of dirt. But would we? Really? Would we be able to? Would we even want to?

I’m not thinking about all of this because my husband is unfaithful. He’s never given me any reason to worry about that and I’m trying to do all I can to make certain he never goes out looking for trouble like that. I’m thinking about it because it’s all over the place!

With this movie, I am reminded of why so many women stay with unfaithful husbands. Or, for that matter, why so many men stay with unfaithful wives. The simple answer is this: how else can you live? If I were to find myself in this situation tomorrow, I’d be stuck. Do I go out and find a job and pay a small fortune to put my three children in daycare? Do I hope that my spouse will pay child support for the next 18 years? Do I hope that the babysitters I need to hire so that I can work extra shifts are good people? That I can trust them? Do I hope that whatever woman my husband is with in the future is good to them? Do I hope that I will not make my children’s lives hopelessly messed up because I have torn apart the only family they know? Where’s that strong, independent woman now? She’s scared.

I watched that movie one night and practically the next day I’m hearing that stupid Sugarland song ‘Stay’ on the radio. I hate that song. It’s from the point of view of the mistress or other woman or whatever they’re called now. This ‘poor woman’ is so sad because the married man she’s with keeps leaving her to go home. The nerve of that guy. One of the lines in the song is “We don’t have to live this way.” Well at least she’s right about that. I will never understand why women continue to pursue or even accept the unsolicited attentions of married men. (Here’s the video for that song. Feel free to give her dirty looks when she looks at the camera with tears in her eyes. Yuck.)

I guess what that really got me thinking about was just marriage. Marriage. It has come to seem so temporary in our modern age. It’s just the next step on the list of things that you do in life. It’s not serious anymore. I mean, in this day and age where couples are sleeping together right after they start dating, moving in together shortly after, etc., what’s really the point of getting married? Can we honestly expect someone to be faithful just because they have now signed a paper? Probably not.

So here’s where I ended up. I ended up with this beautiful song. Some people might think it’s a sad song, but I really don’t think it is. It’s a real song. Here are the lyrics and my thoughts on them. Not that I’m any kind of expert, but this song has come to mean a lot to me, so I want to share it. Maybe I can help someone in some way. : )

You only know what I want you to – From the moment we start a relationship, we begin omitting the things that we don’t want our partner to know. We don’t want them to know what we really think of some people, what we really wish we could say. Things like that.

I know everything you don't want me to – As much as we may try to keep our guard up, this person that we sleep next to every night knows so much about us that we don’t want to share with anyone else. They know what we look like without makeup, what our breath smells like when we wake up, how we react when offended. They also know some of the things we’ve done that we wish we hadn’t.

Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine – I think this one is pretty simple. Nothing can wound like words from the person you love the most. And nothing means more than sincere words of love coming from those same lips.

Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine – Sometimes it’s easier to pretend that you want the same things even when you’re beyond those first months of a relationship. Sometimes you do what will make them happy, just because it will make them happy.

Oh I don't love you but I always will – There is something about love that sticks with you. Even in our darkest hours, I like to think that I will be able to look at my wonderful husband and just…love him. Even if I’ve been hurt. It will still be there. And that can be a blessing or a curse, which is why it’s so scary.

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back – I don’t know how many times I’ve turned around or hung up the phone or gone into a different room during an argument. And even though I am trying to get away, I still desperately want him to just…hold me. Whether that means a phone call, a touch, anything. Just fight for me.

The less I give the more I get back – This one I honestly don’t know about. The only application I can think of is the possibility that if I was to stop trying in our relationship, my husband would try to bring me back. For instance, if a woman were to be unfaithful to her husband, he might buy her expensive gifts and do thoughtful things for her to get her to stop being selfish and stupid and think of her vows.

Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise – Another simple one. I love the feeling of my husband’s touch in love, but I can’t imagine the pain of his touch of anger. Not just because of the physical effects, but the emotion that goes with that contact.

I don't have a choice but I still choose you – I think this might be my absolute favorite. It doesn’t say I would still choose you. It’s I do still choose you. There are times in marriage when we feel…stuck. “Is this the life I had imagined for myself? Is this what I’ve always wanted?” But the fact of the matter is that we choose this life. I may be so angry with my husband that I want to get in the car and drive away, but there is no one else in the entire world I would rather spend time with.

So is this a depressing post? I don’t think so, but that might just be my opinion. I love my husband more than any other human being on earth. There is no one I would rather be with. He is a wonderful, loving, faithful, thoughtful and amazing man. Not to mention that he’s smokin’ hot. : ) I can’t say that I love every little thing about our life and our relationship, but the best part is that we both want to stick around and try to get all those little hiccups worked out. It will probably take years. But the truth is we both signed up ‘for as long as we both shall live’ so we’re not going anywhere. : )