Wednesday, August 13, 2014

The Red Devil in My Belly

I’ve whined commented before about how being a woman is hard, but I’d like to revisit this topic. This occurred to me these past few days as I was in the throes of my ‘monthly miracle’ and I thought I’d share. Because that’s what friends do. 

If you’re a dude, I’m not really sure what to tell you. Part of me wants to recommend that you read on and learn a little something, but another part of me thinks that the less you know the better. Because being a girl is kind of gross.

The day before I ‘start,’ I’m like a raving and slightly insane bear. My kids drive me nuts, my husband drives me nuts—basically human beings in general. This last time I ended up calling my husband who was conveniently out of town at work. As soon as he picked up the phone I unloaded on him. Guys, it was kind of unfair but I didn’t care one tiny bit.

“I’m so sick of these kids! Judah won’t stop whining about every little thing! Sissy cries if someone looks at her the wrong way! Eden is mean! And as soon as one of them asks me a question and I’m trying to process a response, another one is right there with another need! ‘Mom? Mom? Mom? MOM?’ It’s driving me crazy!”

Mr. Bug’s response? A very heartfelt, “I’m sorry.”

My reply? “It’s fine. I’m getting off the phone.”

Poor dude just couldn’t win. Fortunately I knew this was probably due to the red devil in my belly (thank you, Jessica Day!) so I had forewarned him. He handled it perfectly.

So there’s the hormonal insanity/moodiness. And the zits. Dear Lord, the zits. I have two on my chin right now that I can actually feel throbbing. They’re enormous and they hurt soooo baaaaad. And of course I have a few bonus zits on my back. Because why the flip not? And they’re not the kind that you get the gratification of popping. No, these are way below the surface I’m just here to cause you pain and make you look stupid zits.

So you hate humanity which is fine because you’re not really fit to face humanity with all the zits on your face and back. Add to that the cramps. People, the cramps. Punched in the gut, heating pad, curl up in a ball, stop looking at me cramps. The ones that make you seriously consider having another baby just so you get nine months without that pain. I’m pretty sure that’s why the Duggars kept having kids. She probably just has cramps that are slightly more painful than mine.

To top all of this off…you are freaking bleeding. I know it’s not a ton, up to a cup according to Kotex (like they know) but still. There is blood coming out of you and you feel gross and smelly and you’re worried about leaking and if you have to wear a pad you feel like it’s a diaper and you wake up in the middle of the night and have to change pajamas and God forbid your three-year-old walks in on you when you’re going to the bathroom and oh, there are going to be so many questions.

If any guys have made it this far, I’m sorry. But really, I’m kinda not sorry. Be nice to your wife/girlfriend/friend/mom/random lady who looks like she wants to kill all the humans. Chances are we’re dealing with some serious stuff. But if you ask if it’s ‘that time of the month,’ you will be in the news. Because we will kill you.


  1. oh Lord. That was spot on the money hilariously accurate you read my mind. ha! i'm going to giggle about this for days. Especially the getting pregnant bit just to avoid more cramps because - yes. that's where i'm at with that! haha! thank you!

    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it! I think that almost every month--"well if I just had another baby..." Probably not the best option though, huh? ;)